[scroll down to today's date]
~ Fri 3/20/09: Almost two weeks have past and I have not created any momentum in the launch of JobStrap. I am frustrated with my lack of progress. What is causing me to be stuck is habituated negative thinking, a persistent a lack of confidence, and past baggage that I created about what always happens when I am really excited about fulfilling my dreams. The truth is I am still being resigned and cynical about what is possible for me to create in my life. I am addicted to the view that I am a failure. Getting free from this addiction has been biggest challenge of my life to date. I am bit embarrased to admit I am in awe of my brain’s power to persistently assert a dysfunctional view of who I am, what I am capable of producing, and what will happen to me if I act in defiance of my brain’s assertions. My brain continues to assert the past junk I unconsciously created over the course of my life even though I am now conscious of my brain’s chatter of erroneous truths and misdirections. I am very clear that what I am experiencing is the human condition. My brain is the product of millions of years in an evolution path of brute survival. Humans have no sharp teeth, no claws, no poison, no protective armor, no wings to escape our predators, and pound for pound are weaklings compared to other animals. Our brains evolved into powerful thinking machines that are hardwired to be ruthless and brutally efficient in our execution of survival strategies. Self-actualization, love, peaceful coexistence, selflessness, and self-reflection are brain developments that have no brute survival value. The Devil isn’t making me do it; it’s the power of my primitive brain’s programming to assert itself in order to guarantee its survival. If a strategy worked once, no matter how irrational, it will become hardwired. Each DO LOOP performed further embeds the programming. We know its a mortal sin to kill another human being. We know over-eating and consuming fats and sugars will kill us AND we do it anyway. We know that cheating on a partner is wrong and we do it just like we know that throwaway consumer products are killing our oceans and polluting our water tables.
PUNCHLINE: I know that my brain is always running its dysfunctional survival programming. Most of the time I am unaware of it running my life. Breaking my addiction to that voice is a simple matter; what it required is extraordinary amount of persisence and tenacity. What is required is (1) Being ruthlessly vigilant in listening for my brain’s chatter of reasons, justifications, and rationalizations and, (2) Holding myself accountable for taking control of the steering wheel when I distinquish dysfunctional programming is in my driver’s seat.
~ Sat 3/21/09: I can not believe that I lost 45 minutes of editing work on this morning’s second post. The loss was caused when I accidently deleted my post that was highlighted for a format change just before it published. WordPress has no “undo” edit function after publishing a post; when you try to turn back to edit your post the reality of WordPress’ Medusa code is revealed; your thoughts have been turned into concrete. I have been cursing WordPress for the last 5-10 minutes.
